booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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