So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
