oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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