I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i think i have two assholes
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
