My liver just broke up with me...
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
