Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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