She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
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