well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
