I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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