I wannas sexs uuuuu
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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