I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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