She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
