im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
