I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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