I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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