All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
