I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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