there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
