You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
