I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
