She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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