Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
