i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
