This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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