kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
