This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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