Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
