he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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