and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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