farters have to be the big spoon...
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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