you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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