now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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