I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
