That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
