my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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