i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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