Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
