Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
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It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize