So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My vagina just clenched in fear
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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