it was like fucking gandolphs beard
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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