Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
