She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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