My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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