My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
There's always time for handjobs
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
