he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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