it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
