When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
