the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
