ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
