Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
