youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
