I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
