I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
