This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Randomize
