when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
