My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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