Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
