i was born a porn star she said
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
