He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
